Why Change is Hard

a Compassionate look inward.

Change.

We all desire it at various points—adopting a healthier lifestyle, breaking free from unproductive habits, or navigating major life transitions. But even with all the desire and intention in the world, change can be challenging. It often feels like an uphill battle, like pushing against a wall that refuses to move. And if you’ve tried and failed in the past, it can feel even more discouraging.

But what if the problem isn’t your lack of willpower?

What if it’s not about trying harder or pushing through?

The difficulty of change isn’t just about motivation—deep psychological and biological forces make transformation feel elusive.

This post will explore the neuroscience, psychology, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspectives on why change is so difficult. We’ll also look at how trauma, habits, and emotions shape our ability to evolve and why resistance isn’t something you should shame yourself for. Instead, it’s something to understand, work with, and gently transform.

The Neuroscience of Change: The Brain’s Resistance to Transformation

Let’s start with the brain. Our brains are mighty and complex but are wired for survival, not change. Your brain is naturally more inclined to keep things the same, even when those things aren’t serving you anymore.

The Brain’s Default Setting: The Comfort Zone

When we try to change, our brains activate the default mode network (DMN)—the part of your brain responsible for habitual thinking and behaviours. This network conserves energy by sticking with what’s familiar because your brain considers the known safer than the unknown. Change is, quite literally, seen as a threat.

This survival mechanism explains why we still cannot make lasting changes even when we know that certain habits or behaviours are hurting us.

The brain’s goal is to maintain homeostasis—the status quo—and it resists anything that might disrupt that balance, even if it’s for the better.

Neuroplasticity:

The Brain’s Potential for Change

The good news? Our brains are not set in stone. Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections in response to learning, experience, and change. The brain can be rewired—but this process takes time, patience, and consistency.

The difficulty lies in breaking the old neural pathways—those well-worn routes that reinforce the habits and behaviours we want to leave behind. Every time we try to change, our brain must “unlearn” the old ways of doing things before establishing new, healthier patterns.

Psychology: The Emotional and Psychological Barriers to Change

From a psychological perspective, change can be problematic because it’s often tied to our emotions, identity, and sense of self-worth. It’s not just about doing something differently; it’s about feeling uncertain, vulnerable, or uncomfortable.

The Role of Fear and Anxiety

Fear plays a significant role in our resistance to change. Our fight-or-flight response can be triggered when we move away from what’s familiar, even if what’s familiar is causing us pain.

For example, starting a new job or pursuing a different career might trigger anxiety, even though it’s a positive change. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and even fear of success can keep us stuck in old patterns.

The Comfort of the Known

Psychologically, we are often more comfortable in familiar pain than in uncertainty. Even if the familiar is unhealthy (e.g., staying in a toxic relationship or holding onto an old limiting belief), our brains find comfort in what’s known because it feels safer. This creates cognitive dissonance—discomfort when our behaviour doesn’t align with our values or intentions.

Your inner critic may also rise in moments of change, telling you things like:

• “Who do you think you are?
• You’ll never be able to change.
• Why bother?”

This is often an internalized voice from childhood, trauma, or past experiences. The inner critic thrives in uncertainty and will resist change to maintain control.

Internal Family Systems (IFS): Parts and the Resistance to Change

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, change is understood through the lens of parts—different aspects of ourselves that hold specific emotions, beliefs, and roles. The resistance toward change may be the work of protective parts trying to keep you safe.

Protective Parts and Change

In IFS, we identify different parts of ourselves that serve specific functions. For example:

• Managers: Parts that try to control situations and prevent you from feeling vulnerable.
• Firefighters: Parts that rush in to protect you from emotional pain by numbing or distracting you.
• Exiles: Parts that hold pain, trauma, or negative beliefs that have been pushed away to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

When you try to make a change, these protective parts may resist because change feels like a potential threat.

Understanding and Working with Parts

Instead of viewing these protective parts as obstacles, IFS invites us to approach them with curiousity and compassion. These parts only try to keep you safe, but they don’t always fully understand how change can benefit you. By gently understanding the needs of these parts and offering them compassion, you can help them relax their grip, allowing the change process to unfold more smoothly.

Trauma and Resistance:

Why It’s Not Just You

Resistance to change can also be a trauma response.

If you’ve experienced trauma—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—your nervous system may be in a heightened state of arousal, constantly on alert. Trauma can lead to a feeling of stuckness, where change feels threatening because it challenges the protective mechanisms built around the trauma.

The Role of the Nervous System

When the nervous system is dysregulated—due to past trauma, chronic stress, or emotional overwhelm—it’s harder to take action and feel grounded. You might feel as if you’re “stuck in the past,” unable to break free from old thinking, feeling, or behaving patterns.

Understanding that trauma-informed healing involves compassion, patience, and a sense of safety can help you be more gentle with yourself. Your nervous system needs time and support to shift out of a protective, defensive state. Healing isn’t a linear process—it’s a journey that involves slowing down, staying present, and letting go of the need to rush.

Practical Exercises and Introspective Questions for You

**Disclaimer: Take what resonates and feels safe and leave the rest. Prioritize you first!

Connecting with Your Body

Notice where you feel resistance in your body when you think about making a change. Is there tension in your chest? Tightness in your stomach? A knot in your throat?

• Exercise: Take a few deep breaths and gently focus on the resistance area. Breathe into it, and see if it shifts or releases.
  • Can you give that part of your body some compassion, acknowledging it’s holding onto something important?

Exploring Your Inner Parts

Take a moment to check in with yourself. What parts of you may be resisting change? Are there any managers trying to control the situation, firefighters trying to numb the pain, or exiles holding onto past trauma?

• Exercise: Imagine sitting with these parts in a safe, compassionate space.
  • Ask them: “What are you trying to protect me from? How can we work together to move forward?”

Journaling on Fear and the Unknown

Reflect on what scares you about the change you desire. What does your inner critic say about it? What does your nervous system feel when you think about the discomfort of transformation?

• Introspective Question:
  • What would it feel like to acknowledge that fear is natural but that you are not at the mercy of it?
  • Can you be gentle with yourself in this moment of resistance?

Trauma-Informed Self-Compassion

Think about a time when you felt stuck, unable to change, or afraid to take the next step. What did your body, mind, or heart need in that moment?

• Exercise: Practice offering yourself self-compassion as if you were comforting a dear friend.
  • What do you need to hear to support your change journey?

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone in Your Struggles with Change

Remember, change is hard for everyone—you are not weak or flawed for struggling with it. The brain resists change. Our bodies hold onto past emotional wounds. And trauma makes the process even more complicated. But with patience, understanding, and support, change is possible. You don’t have to force it or rush it. Create a safe space to grow, heal, and evolve at your own pace.

Small, gentle steps toward change are the sustainable way.

Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process, knowing that transformation is a journey—and you’re already on the path.