When Self-Compassion Feels Impossible
You’ve probably heard it a thousand times: “Be kind to yourself,” “Practice self-compassion,” or “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
These sound like gentle, wise words—and they are.
But if you’re like many people, hearing this advice may leave you feeling frustrated, confused, or even more disconnected from yourself. Maybe you want to be kind to yourself, but something gets in the way. The words don’t seem to land, and the practice feels out of reach.
What if, despite your best intentions, you cannot offer yourself that simple gift of self-compassion?
What if you encounter resistance, guilt, or an overwhelming sense of discomfort every time you try?
You’re not alone in feeling this way. This struggle is deeply rooted in the ways your brain, nervous system, and emotions have been shaped by your past experiences—especially experiences of trauma, shame, or neglect. Understanding why you find it challenging to be compassionate with yourself and learning to approach self-compassion in a way that feels authentic and safe can be an important step in your healing journey.
In this blog, I’ll explore why you might resist self-compassion from a trauma-informed, multi-modality perspective. More importantly, I’ll offer you a few ways to build or increase self-compassion from the inside out—even if it feels hard or impossible right now.
Why Is Self-Compassion So Hard?
It’s easy to assume that self-compassion is simply about saying nice things to yourself in moments of distress. But when it doesn’t come naturally, it’s often because deeper layers of your psyche are at play, and these layers may have been shaped by trauma or harmful past experiences.
1. Trauma and the Fear of Vulnerability
Suppose you’ve experienced trauma—whether emotional, physical, or relational—your ability to trust yourself and feel safe with your own emotions can be compromised. Trauma can leave you with a deep sense of shame, unworthiness, or fear that makes it hard to show yourself kindness.
In many cases, the very act of being compassionate with yourself can feel terrifying. Vulnerability—feeling your pain, acknowledging your need for care—might have been met with rejection, neglect, or even punishment.
When you attempt self-compassion, your nervous system may interpret it as dangerous or uncomfortable because it reminds you of those earlier experiences of vulnerability that were not met with safety or care. This creates internal resistance that can make self-compassion feel like an overwhelming task.
2. Internal Criticism and Self-Judgment
Many struggle with an inner critic conditioned over time to judge and harshly evaluate their thoughts, behaviours, and feelings. Suppose you grew up in an environment where love or approval was conditional or based on meeting certain expectations. In that case, you may have internalized messages such as “I’m not good enough” or “I have to do more to be worthy.” This inner critic can often block self-compassion by convincing you that you don’t deserve it or that it’s indulgent. It might tell you you must earn compassion through perfection, achievement, or self-sacrifice. Over time, these messages become so ingrained that even being kind to yourself feels foreign or impossible.
3. Disconnection from the Body (Somatic Resistance)
Self-compassion isn’t just a mental practice; it’s a deeply embodied experience. However, trauma or stress can cause disconnection from your body. If you’ve experienced emotional or physical pain, your body might carry the memory of that distress, creating a state of hypervigilance or numbing. As a result, when you approach self-compassion, your body might resist by tensing up, shutting down, or feeling overwhelmed. In these moments, your nervous system may interpret attempts at self-compassion as an invitation to experience old, unresolved trauma. The body may recoil, not out of defiance, but as a survival mechanism that has learned to protect you from further emotional or physical harm.
4. Neuroscience of Self-Compassion: Default Mode Network and Threat Response
From a neuroscience perspective, the brain’s default mode network (DMN) is often activated when we self-reflect. In individuals who have experienced trauma or chronic stress, the DMN can become flooded with negative, self-critical thoughts. This network is closely connected to the brain’s threat detection system, which is on high alert when we feel unsafe.
So, when you try to engage in self-compassion, you may find your mind flooded with “critical voices” or intrusive thoughts that make it unsafe to turn inward. Instead of feeling relief or soothing, you might feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your inner dialogue, reinforcing the idea that you don’t deserve kindness or that showing yourself care will lead to more emotional pain.
If “loving yourself” feels out of reach, that’s OK. The journey toward self-compassion is gradual, and honouring where you are is essential. Healing takes time, and the first step is often the hardest.
Let’s break it down into gentle, intentional steps:
1. Acknowledge and Validate the Resistance
The first step is to acknowledge your resistance.
If self-compassion seems foreign or uncomfortable, don’t push it away. Instead, approach it with curiousity and kindness.
For example, you might say to yourself, “I notice I’m struggling with being kind to myself right now, and that’s OK.”
There’s no need to judge this resistance. Recognizing it is the beginning of creating safety. Unintentionally trying to avoid or suppress difficult emotions reinforces the idea that those feelings are “wrong.” By validating your experience—no matter how uncomfortable it might be—you make space for compassion to grow.
Allow yourself to be present with what is happening now without the pressure to change it. Just noticing your feelings and letting them be can be a decisive first step toward healing.
2. Get Curious About the Inner Critic
So often, the voice of self-criticism is loud and insistent, saying things like, “You don’t deserve kindness” or “You’re not good enough for self-compassion.”
But rather than trying to shut this voice down, try to get curious about it.
Ask yourself, “What is this voice trying to protect me from?”
The inner critic is often rooted in past experiences—perhaps messages we absorbed in childhood or through relationships without the needed care. In some ways, this inner critic believes that being hard on yourself will keep you safe or prevent failure.
But what if there’s a more profound truth to explore?
In approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS), we recognize that the inner critic is a part of us that, even if misguided, is trying to help. It might want to prevent vulnerability or failure, but its methods can often be counterproductive. By approaching the inner critic with curiousity and compassion, you begin to open a dialogue with this part of yourself.
Instead of silencing it, you can invite it to share its fears, which can help it evolve.
Understanding your inner critic doesn’t mean you have to agree with it—it simply means acknowledging its presence and recognizing that it, too, deserves compassion.
3. Ground Yourself in Your Body
Self-compassion is an embodied experience—it’s not just about thinking kind thoughts but about feeling those thoughts in your body. When we’re overwhelmed or disconnected, we can feel like our emotions are distant or out of our control. Grounding techniques can help bring us back to the present moment and create a sense of safety in our bodies, allowing self-compassion to flow more naturally.
Here are some grounding practices to try:
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Deep Breathing:
Slow, intentional breathwork can help calm your nervous system. Inhale for four counts, hold for four and exhale for six. With each breath, notice the sensation of the air entering and leaving your body. After just a minute of this, see any subtle shifts or sensations in the body compared to before 1 minute of breathwork. If feeling particularly stressed, you may want to do a few minutes, with a pause of a minute in the middle, then again a few more minutes to support the shift from the sympathetic nervous system (stress) to the parasympathetic nervous system (less stress and rest).
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Progressive Muscle Relaxation:
Starting from your toes, tense each muscle group for a few seconds and then release. Slowly work your way up to your face. This helps to relieve physical tension and reminds you that you have control over your body. There are plenty of YouTube-guided meditations online to explore to support a rhythmic approach to this relaxation technique.
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Touch:
Self-Soothing
Gently place your hand over your heart or gently touch your arms or face. Given intentional space, time, and consideration, this will help activate your parasympathetic nervous system and potentially create a deeper sort of calm.
Connecting with your body in a grounded way can help set the stage for a more compassionate relationship with yourself. You begin to feel safe enough to let go of the armour you’ve built up, allowing vulnerability and healing to enter.
4. Embrace Small Moments of Compassion
Sometimes, the idea of big self-love gestures feels overwhelming. Rather than setting yourself up for failure by aiming for grand expressions of kindness, start small.
Cultivate moments of compassion throughout your day—tiny acts that don’t demand too much of you but still offer a dose of gentleness and care.
These small moments could look like this:
- Take a short break when you’re tired rather than pushing through fatigue.
- Acknowledging your feelings with kindness: “I feel overwhelmed, and that’s OK.”
- Remember that you’re doing your best, even when you feel far from perfect.
Each time you choose to care for yourself, you can build and repair the internal self-trust that gently supports overall well-being.
These small acts accumulate, creating or reinforcing a foundation within for more profound healing. These seemingly “insignificant” moments are often the most transformative.
5. Practice Self-Compassion Through Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a cornerstone of self-compassion. It teaches us to observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment, creating space to be kind to ourselves without becoming overwhelmed by what arises.
For example, to practice mindfulness:
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- Find a quiet space and close your eyes.
- Focus on your breath, letting each inhale and exhale bring you into the present moment.
- As thoughts or feelings arise, gently acknowledge them: “This is sadness,” “This is fear,” “This is self-doubt.”
- Offer compassion with each thought or feeling: “It’s OK to feel this. I am here for you.”
Mindfulness helps you create a compassionate, non-judgmental space within yourself. It allows you to acknowledge your struggles without becoming overwhelmed by them. The more you practice, the more naturally self-compassion will flow into your life.
Healing Takes Time, But You Are Worth It
Self-compassion is a practice that invites you to meet yourself where you are, without judgment, and to heal at your own pace. It’s not about perfection or constant kindness but about accepting yourself, especially in moments of struggle. You deserve the same kindness and care you extend to others, even when it feels hard to give it to yourself.
It’s OK to take small steps and struggle. Healing isn’t about getting it right all the time; it’s about showing up for yourself, piece by piece. Just as you would offer compassion to a dear friend, you must learn to provide it to yourself. Each small act of kindness is a victory, and over time, self-compassion will grow naturally, at its own pace, as you rebuild trust in yourself.
Remember, difficulty practicing self-compassion doesn’t mean failure—it means you’re human. Keep showing up, even when it feels hard. With time, compassion will become an inner resource, waiting for you whenever needed.
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If you struggle to show yourself the kindness you deserve, you don’t have to do it alone. As an IFS-trained Somatic Practitioner, I specialize in helping you move through the resistance, self-doubt, and emotional blocks that get in the way of self-compassion. Click here to book a free discovery call today, and let’s explore how we can work together to help you heal and reconnect with yourself.