The Parts We Judge the Most
Are the Ones That Might Need the Most Love
Inside each of us lives a jumble of parts—voices, impulses, sensations, and feelings—that sometimes seem to argue with each other like an old dysfunctional band that never broke up.
There’s the critic that nitpicks, the procrastinator that freezes, the anger that flares, the sensitivity that recoils. Most of us end up turning on these parts with frustration or shame, wishing they’d pack up and leave.
But in Internal Family Systems (IFS), these parts aren’t mistakes or defects.
They’re trying—clumsily but earnestly—to protect us.
Some are carrying pain from the past, holding onto fear, rejection, or neglect. Others stand guard, doing their best to keep us safe.
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The inner critic, though harsh, may be trying to prevent humiliation or repeated mistakes.
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The procrastinator may be shielding against overwhelm.
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The mistrustful voice may have learned to stay alert after betrayal.
Seen in this light, these parts aren’t proof of weakness. They’re proof of survival.
Why This Happens
From a brain perspective, trauma and stress actually rewire us:
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The amygdala goes on high alert, scanning for danger.
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The hippocampus stores memories in fragmented form.
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The prefrontal cortex (the reasoning part) can go offline when we’re under pressure.
In that storm, parts step up with whatever strategies they know. They might not be elegant, but they’re adaptive.
Meeting Your Parts with Curiousity
IFS invites us to notice our parts instead of exiling them. The starting point isn’t fixing, it’s getting curious.
When a part shows up, try pausing. Notice where it lives in your body—tight shoulders, a knot in your gut, a buzzing chest. Just breathe and let it know you see it. That alone can soften its edge.
You could try:
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Journalling: “Hey critic, I notice you’re here. What are you trying to do for me?” Then let it answer, uncensored.
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Self-response: “Thanks. I get that you’re trying to protect me.”
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Curious follow-up: “What do you need right now?”
Even a few moments of noticing can shift how your system feels.
A Few Practices to Experiment With
Not prescriptions—just options you could try on:
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Body Mapping
Close your eyes and sense where a particular part is located in your body. Heavy? Sharp? Fluttery? Just notice, breathe, thank it for its effort. -
Daily Check-In
Take five minutes: “Which part is loudest right now? What’s it trying to do for me?” Note what shows up—sensations, images, stray thoughts. -
End-of-Day Reflection
Look back: Which parts showed up today? Which felt safe? Which got triggered? Close with a simple acknowledgement: “Thanks for showing up. I see you.”
None of this is about controlling or fixing.
It’s about creating enough safety within your system that it can start to relax.
Why Bother?
Because the parts we’re most irritated with often carry the biggest clues to what’s been unmet or unhealed.
As we build gentler relationships with them, we might notice:
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Less reactivity with people we love.
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A softer inner dialogue.
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Clearer decision-making.
Not overnight. Not perfectly. Just gradually.
IFS reframes the internal mess: the critic, the procrastinator, the anxious watchdog—they’re not villains. They’re signals. And with curiousity and compassion, they can shift from running the show to becoming guides.
This isn’t about self-improvement. It’s about wholeness. All parts welcome.
If any of this stirs something in you and you’d like company as you explore, I offer discovery calls where we look at your parts and patterns together. No pressure, no judgement—just a chance to see if this kind of work feels supportive for you.