Tea with Your Inner Parts:

What Happens When You Stop Trying to ‘Fix’ Yourself

By Allison Lund, Empowerment Coach | Trauma-Informed | IFS-Trained

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Imagine inviting all the parts of you —

the anxious, the angry, the perfectionist, the playful child —

to sit down with you for a cuppa.

The kettle’s on, and the room is safe, and welcoming.

This might sound a bit whimsical, but stick with me.

What if, instead of trying to fix yourself or shut down those noisy inner parts, you just had tea with them? What if you actually listened to what they have to say, without judgement, without rushing to silence or push away?

This simple shift is at the heart of Internal Family Systems (IFS) — a trauma-informed approach that sees ‘you’ as made up of many parts, each with its own feelings, intentions, and stories. And rather than being enemies or problems, these parts all want to help in their own way — even if their methods feel clumsy or painful.

The Usual Struggle: Fix, Hide, or Fight

For most of us, those inner parts can feel like troublemakers.

• The inner critic who never quite pipes down.
• The anxious part that freaks out about every decision.
• The angry part that makes us lash out or feel out of control.

It’s tempting to try and fix them, silence them, or pretend they don’t exist. But here’s the catch: trying to “fix” these parts often just leaves us feeling more fractured, exhausted, or even more at war with ourselves.

The anxiety part, for example, is usually trying to protect you, maybe from past hurts or uncertain futures. The angry part might be holding pain or frustration that hasn’t had space to express itself. When we try to shush or squash these parts, they get louder or sneakier.

What Happens When You Invite Them for Tea

Imagine instead that: You pause. You breathe.

You picture yourself inviting that anxious part to join you, saying something like,

“I see you there. Would you like to tell me what you’re worried about?”

Or you notice the angry part stirring up heat inside and offer,

“I hear you’re upset. I’m here to listen when you’re ready.”

In IFS terms, this is called befriending your parts.

And it changes everything.

Because beneath the noise, beneath the feelings, each part wants to be heard and understood. And when we give them a little space — a little kindness — they start to relax.

This doesn’t mean your anxiety or anger disappears overnight. But the frantic struggle does ease.

You become more able to be with those feelings, instead of battling them.

The Role of the Self: The Host of the Tea Party

Now, who exactly is inviting these parts for tea?

In IFS, that’s your Self — a calm, curious, compassionate inner leader who isn’t threatened by any part, no matter how difficult.

The Self is like the perfect host at a party: warm, steady, and holding the space so every guest can speak without fear of being shut down.

Finding your Self doesn’t require you to be “fixed” or “healed.”

It’s already inside you, waiting quietly beneath the noise and tension.

A Simple Practice: Your Tea Time with Your Parts

Want to try this yourself?

Here’s a gentle way to begin:(if it feels appropriate and aligned)

• Find a quiet spot — even if it’s just for five minutes. Sit comfortably, with a beverage if you like.
• Take a few deep breaths to settle your nervous system.
• Invite your parts:
  • Picture them gathering around the table—notice who shows up first.
  • Grab a notepad and draw a table with chairs around it, and label the chairs with who might be present to share.
    • Is Anger present, the Inner Critic, the Worrier? (And so forth)
  • Are you noticing a little space between you and the parts you’ve identified?
  • Ask kindly to each part: “What are you feeling? What do you need right now?” (perhaps they seek some rest, play, fun, writing, walking and so forth. Maybe they just need to express and feel there is a safe amount of time and space to release some of the internal tension through vocalizing, art or movement all through some gentleness and compassion). Go at the pace that feels right for you.
  • Listen without rushing or judging. You don’t have to fix anything. Just be present.
  • Thank them for showing up. You can even imagine offering a biscuit or a sip of tea.
  • Feel free to close this practice with some breathwork, a walk, a hydrating beverage and so forth.

This is not about pushing your parts away or trying to silence them,

it’s about making space in your internal system.

Why This Matters

When you stop fighting your parts, you stop fighting yourself.

That means less exhaustion, less self-criticism, and more genuine empowerment.

You learn to lead from your Self — the calm, kind voice that can hold everything without being overwhelmed.

And that, my friend, is one of the kindest, most radical things you can do for your well-being.

If this resonated with you, you might love exploring IFS, where we do this work together, one cup of tea at a time.